


Apple-stealing and other adventures Darcy had in Asgard

by Keenir



Category: Norse Mythology, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Chapter 3 isn't so much an in-joke as a massive Snorri reference, Darcy is pissed too, Darcy plays chicken with Asgardians, Gen, POV Darcy, Sif is pissed, Silly, atmospheric adjustment - it made Zod see things and Darcy gets woozy, everyone is afraid of something - even the Warriors Three
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-23
Updated: 2013-09-16
Packaged: 2017-12-21 02:52:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/894928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Keenir/pseuds/Keenir
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><b>Chapter One:  </b>"Apples"  - Darcy would have several adventures in Asgard.  But it all began with a quest for apples.  And Sif's very bad mood.<br/><b>Chapter Two:</b>  "How to lie without lying, in one easy lesson" - Darcy really really does not want to give a lecture about fiction, so she asks Sif if there is a local expert on the subject. Unfortunately, as it happens to be.</p><p>...and Darcy takes a guess at Sif's third name.<br/><b>Chapter Three:</b>  "The one who tricked" - Who is pulling one over on who?   (or "Darcy's second attempt at fiction")</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DemonQueen666](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DemonQueen666/gifts).



> This emerged from reading a particular chapter by [DemonQueen666](http://archiveofourown.org/chapters/1522484?show_comments=true#comment_3907259). You should go read it.

"You're back," is all Darcy can say at the moment, because its true, Jane and Thor are back, and looking more harried than flustered, what gives, thought you're getting back from your honeymoon.

"Yeah. We are. You made some new friends, I hear," Jane said.

"Yep," Darcy says, making a vague hand gesture at Sif and the giantess (giantess? really big asgard?) sitting next to her at the table. Told a tale, after which we all had a drink together, and sang and feasted and laughed and sang and drank and feasted and and oh my head. "Long story."

"Gonna guess you still haven't finished equalizing with the pressure and air around here," Jane says.

"Ya think?" Holding up with one hand the cup she's been using the whole time Jane and Thor had left her alone in Asgard, Darcy says, "This didn't help."

Jane giggles, which isn't fair, because the ninjas have to be around here somewhere.

"That's Thor's cup, might be why."

Darcy looked at it and swore, rather mildly given the location, she felt, "This isn't, you know, the ocean, is it?"

"Ocean?" Sif muttered in her sleep next to her at the table.

Darcy groaned.

"No," Jane says, just a littttle amused. "Thor told me that when he was little, his parents put a refiller in his - sippy cup, I translated the description. Even though he later didn't need the lid." 

_Sippy cup? I've been drinking out of a - how is this a sippy cup in any way?_ "You looked tired."

"That's because thanks to my best friend and research assistant, I now have half of Asgard asking me questions about - _why_ did you tell them about the One Ring?"

"Too close to home?" Darcy asked. Because, just because how is it a bad question, given that most of the people around here each have at least one thingy to control one or more parts of nature, to say nothing of Mr. You Know Who with the power to cloud mens minds. _OMG, need to warn Jane, Loki's the Shadow._

" _Fandral_ just told me he's sure he used to see it holding Sif's hair in place."

"Yeah, about that..."

But Jane wasn't done, nope, the girl was on a roll and when she gets like that, hell and high water run the other way. ""And _Heimdall's_ been pestering me."

That was almost worth raising your head even if it felt like Thor was leaning on you. And he was, if he the guy were invisible. "Really? What about?"

"Wanting to know why he's never seen any Maia around Earth."

"Oooooh," which was a pretty sound too.

"Yeah," Jane agreed.

"Guess we have to tell them about fiction now?"

"No, we don't. You do. But first, how did all this happen?" Jane asked.

"Pissed."

"Clearly."

"Not me..." and proceeded to explain.  
 **~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**  
 **the previous day...**

Darcy was sitting at the table, across from Fandral while being reasonably calm while wedged beween Hogun and Volstagg having an afternoon snack, when Sif walked by and - _Jane would not believe the mouth on Thor's good buddy Sif...not sure Thor would either._ "You gonna spit nails with that mouth when you're done?" Darcy asked as Sif passed, and could way so definately feel Volstagg go all tense and Hogun stiffen.

Sif paused and turned her head to look at them - no, at Darcy, because the other three were trying to find something else to look at, even if it was at the bottom of their beer. "What?" Sif asked.

"You sure Thor's the thunder god, cause you're definately cursing up a storm," Darcy said by way of explanation.

"We tend to let her vent before drawing her attention," Fandral muttered to Darcy. "While she's pleasant company in battle or other circumstances, her ire is not something any are safe from."

"Oh. Coulda mentioned that sooner."

Sif stomped over and everyone leaned away as she neared the table. And if anyone jumped when Sif slammed her hands into the table, well that was because this drink gave you the weirdest silent hiccups and the timing was just -

"We shall make a revenge," Sif said, her voice darker than Darcy had ever heard it, though Fandral looked like he couldn't budge, and Volstagg was trying not to swallow nervously.

"Cool," Darcy said, because really, these were gods and not actual B-movie vikings, so it wasn't like there was going to be torture and stuff, right? Maybe mpreg, depends. "Whose place are we toilet-papering?" Cue five-minute explanation of _that_ particular prank and its variation, like the eggs. Thor had mentioned that Jane and Darcy would be getting special accomodations, and now Darcy was wondering if Asgardians didn't use the loo or if they didn't have boisterous teenagers. After what had to be another round of this hiccup drink - _who the hell is refilling this thing when I'm not looking?_ \- Darcy asked them, "Okay, what was your idea?"

"We steal apples," Sif said. Hogun looked like he was going to _faint_ , which told Darcy that there had to be something more to this than just apples.

"Wouldn't it be easier to just burn her house?" Fandral said, and Darcy was thinking _dude, superaliens have flammable houses?_

"It would not touch her," Sif said, dismissing the idea. "Besides, the apples hold meaning for her."

"Question," Darcy said, and nobody raises their hand, seriously, who does that? "Who is 'her' and why do we hate her? Just so I know."

Expresssions switched from rage (Sif) and terror (Fandral, not that he'd cop to it later) to confusion. "Thor said you read of us," Hogun said.

"Uh, yeah, I did. And you know that that told me?" Darcy asked, and proceeded to point at them one by one, ticking off fingers as she went: "That you don't exist, that he's a dwarf, she's Thor's wife, and he's a Shakespearian construct."

Everyone was quiet for a while, and Fandral finally broke the silence with, "Thor neglected to mention this to us."

"Oops, my bad," Darcy said. "So, who's this 'her' we hate?" trying not to sound like Gollum, cause yes we hateses her, we do, precious, we does.

"Idunn," Sif said, getting her hackles back, _and no fair how she makes it look like someone spent hours getting her hair like perfect smooth and straight and with no strays and that when it kept getting knocked back and forth over her shoulders a minute ago,_ Darcy thought.

"So...she really does have golden apples, the books were right on that score?"

Fandral perks up at part of that. "Oh yes, a luscious pair." Sif snorts and the boys chuckle.

"I'm in," Darcy says. "So, what's the plan?"

"We steal the apples," Sif reiterates, honestly sounding to her like she was trying not to enunciate.

"I get that. Then what?"

"Run," Volstagg said, clearly quaffing down mugs of beer in preparation for hibernation or estivation or whatever they did, because seriously, who drinks enough to get drunk before doing something like this?

 _And why am I the only one not drinking beer? You guys afraid you'll be carded cause I'm underage? Under ninety is underage here, right?_ "That's it?" Darcy asks because it sounds too simple to be that simple. And then she thinks about what she just thought, and takes another sip of - _who the hell refilled it this time?_ Darcy wants to know, because the waiters are either ghosts or ninjas to get that close without being noticed by any of them.

"Dogs?" Darcy asks.

"What?" Volstagg asks even though he's in the middle of downing an entire carafe or whatever the hell that thing is. How is he breathing? Maybe Time Lord secondary breathing systems, and no not a geek here, thank you very much.

"Dogs? Do we need to worry about dogs or wolves or whatever you people use? Giant snakes?" and she's no idea why Sif tenses at the suggestion of that. "What're we up against?"

"Idunn," Hogun says.

"And?"

"And?" the chorus Warriors Three repeat like they think Idunn's more than enough thank you very much and we'd like to take our drinks to go, garcon, check please.

"Okay, Earth girl confused again," Darcy said. "What's the big deal?"

Sif smiled, and Darcy felt like she did when she met Jane, that this woman was going to be her bestest friend in the whole wide broad uni...okay, enough of the drink. "I agree, friend Darcy. We can accomplish this without the cowards three," who totally didn't look relieved that they didn't have to go, it was probably just gas or something.

Squeezing her way out of the wedge - _how many things did you inscribe in your belt anyway, dude?_ \- Darcy and Sif walked out of the great hall, heading for what would become a great adventure.

En route, "What else do these books of yours say?" Sif asked.

Rreallllly not wanting to be the person to do this with her, especially after becoming her friend and not someone who would be used to skewer your enemies with, "Um...this and that. Mostly nonsense, though. Say, is that your natural hair color?" Darcy asks.

Sif looks at her suspiciously. "Why would you ask me that?"

"No reason. Just wondering. Just awesome how you always got it just right."

"Its hair," Sif says with that tone that Darcy recognizes a mile away: you're weird and stop poking me. Still, friends good.

**~~~**

"I'm just saying, all we need to do is quick Bifrost ourselves down to Earth, do a little grocery shopping, and you'd glut the market when it comes to apples. Bango presto, showing up Idunn," Darcy says, because good lord, how is this an orchard with only five apple trees in it? And how is this the only orchard in all of Asgard?

Sif made a noise like she'd already thought of that, that everybody's thought of that, kiddo, and something stopped them. Something, someone. "One of the Allfather's post-War declarations was that Asgard must be self-sufficient. Supplies may not be brought from any other World - to do so becomes an implicit confession that one is no longer competent at one's role in society."

 _Aha! Finally, a reason for why The Lady Master Tactician thought it a brilliant idea to get revenge by stealing some apples._ "Can I ask you something? You know how I mentioned that my books say Hogun doesn't exist and you're Thor's wife?" Will you stop with the staring? I can feel your eyes boring down on my neck. "Did they just get the name wrong, and you really got feelings for someone else?"

Plucking another apple, Sif said, "There was someone."

"Niice. Have I met them?"

"I do not know. Your friend Jane was reluctant to share the tale of adventure she had with Thor."

"Yeah, probably because she didn't want to mention how much Thor was shirtless."

Even now in the dark, Darcy was positive Sif had a weird expression on. "Thor is frequently shirtless," Sif said, which means it was _that_ expression, okay, the _duh! way obvious_ sort, and reached for her glaive.

"Was it something I..." and even at night on a world that Darcy had never seen any moon rising over, a shadow fell over her. Darcy turned around and looked up. And then up some more.

Thor's big. Heimdall's bigger. And now Darcy can see that Idunn is even bigger. Darcy can also see why Asgardians tend to wear trousers in normal life - _size variation'd be awkward if nothing else, specially with those 'oops, didn't see you there'_ which would lead to another wondering if Asgard has rowdy teens.

But right now, all Darcy can wonder is if a taser would cause a small earthquake from Idunn falling down.

"You are trespasser," Idunn says.

"I are Darcy," she says, hoping the lady's heard of her. Cause who hasn't heard of Thor's new Earth friends? And how spectatularly awesome said friends are, being from Earth and everything.

"And thief."

"Hungry," Darcy said because ye gods its true. All that drink should've made the most urgent peepee dance, but its just made her hungry, and maybe its the potentially incipient death about to rain down, but she can kinda start to understand Thor's and Volstagg's appetite.

This definately gives the big lady pause, like its not an answer anyone has ever given her. "All the bounty of Asgard, and you come for my apples?"

"She did not come alone, Idunn," Sif said and could you subtext the words 'you evil thieving bitch' any louder, Sif?

"I have dispensation from Odin to deal with trespassers however I please," Idunn said to Darcy. "Some will be more pleasure to extinguish than others."

 _What the hell happened that nobody's telling me?_ Darcy wonders. And she asks, definately not raising her hand, no way, not that. "Can I say something before you kill us?"

"It is your right." 

Sif nods.

Lo and behold, they agree on something.

Having memorized three books and knowing them almost perfectly by heart, Darcy knew what the only option was. _And I don't think they'd be wild about applied chemistry or Greek mythology._ So she said, "Once, in a hole in the ground, there lived a Hobbit..."


	2. How to lie without lying, in one easy lesson

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darcy really really does not want to give a lecture about fiction, so she asks Sif if there is a local expert on the subject. Unfortunately, as it happens to be.
> 
> ...and Darcy takes a guess at Sif's third name.

"It is time," Sif says.

Darcy rolls over and its understandable because isn't it zero-dark-oclock, even if the sun's out? "Don't wanna," is the highly mature response that flies from her lips, though.

"You agreed to this."

'Nu-uh," equally mature and we're on a roll now, aren't we? "Jane volunteered me, then said I was fine with it. You were there, right next to me at the table, and so was Idunn."

Sif just stood there and looked at her. "Your obligation is to attend."

Huh? "I thought I was supposed to explain fiction," Darcy said. "Whose lecture are we attending instead?"

"Your own. You cannot provide an explanation without being in attendance yourself."

Darcy groaned and pulled the covers over her head. "I'm taking a sick day. I'll do it tomorrow. Promise."

"My orders for the day are to have you ready for providing the logic of what you said yesterday," Sif said.

Peeking above the covers, Darcy rolled her eyes and said, "Look, Sif lady, logic isn't the point, that's kinda the entire point. I mean sure, some internal consistency makes for a richer read, but that doesn't mean its real."

Sif cracks a smile.

And that makes Darcy think that maybe she's convinced somebody important that, no, she doesn't have to do this up here. That or maybe it won't be more than a minute-long lecture, and then she can go back to sleep. Just in case, "Something funny?" she asks.

"Quite," Sif says. "Within earshot, Jane has frequently lamented the disparity of mechanical capabilities of our two peoples."

"Okaaaay."

"Given the propensity for lying stories, it is perhaps not so surprising which people has lagged so far."

You wound me. Okay, so now I'm wounded, can I get back to sleep? Don't think so, eh? "So, does that mean you guys don't have anybody who is good at lying?" and there's that stiffening again, what the hell, girl?

"There is one," Sif grants her. "I will get you an audience with him."

"Don't do me any favors," Darcy says, and leaps off the bed, blankets in hands, thinking to tackle Sif and wrap her up _so I don't have to give any lectures, and she doesn't get in trouble for not being able to get me there._

**~~~**

"Let me out!" Darcy shouted for not the first or the fiftieth time. But no, Sif did not let go of the bag formed of the bedblankets, thus Darcy remained contained within. _Next time, I'm bringing my taser to bed. Gonna put a taser pocket in my PJs_ , and muttered darkly a bit for good measure.

Darcy sat, not so much resigned as tired of bumping into Sif's spine and armor, until something changed. "Oy, why is my butt wet? Are you wading somewhere? Why are you wading? Can't I wade on my own? I know how to walk through water."

As soon as Sif loosens the blanket and Darcy slides onto the ground, she looks up at Sif and demands "What the hell was that for?"

It isn't Sif who says, "A river was the best barrier." There's something familiar about that voice. Like Darcy'd heard it in audio clips or something.

Darcy turns around and stands up, looking at the skinny guy who'd just said that. "Can't swim?" she asks him.

"The fish never really cared for me," he replies. "I have no problem in it being mutual."

Sif made the introductions: "Darcy. Loki."

Darcy frowned. "Heard of you... shouldn't you be -"

"In prison?" Loki asked. "Bound to a rock within a cave?" A slight smile, the sort one wears when anticipation pays off and you know what the other guy's gonna say. "I am familiar with the tales your people tell."

"Oh good, then you can help me." _Obi-Wan, you're not, but still..._

"And should I refuse?" Loki asked, looking more at Sif than Darcy, and getting less answer from Sif than from quiet Darcy. "Well now, hardly the most thrilling prospect I've been faced with," as he turned to watch the horizon where the sun would set in some number of hours.

"What do ya want?" Darcy asked.

Sif sucked in a breath.

Loki's head snapped in her direction, his body turning more sedately.

With a grin, Darcy said, "Rumplestiltskin, Rumplestiltskin."

"I don't know her. What are you offering, and for what?"

"Books. I can give you books and whoopie bladders and all sorts of - I'm boring you?"

"I would almost prefer a return to solitary confinement."

"No gag gifts then? You're a trickster, right?" asking just to be sure it wasn't another detail the books had messed up.

Loki made a slightly rude, slightly tired noise. "Wearisome to be renowned in literature for your hobby."

"Thems the breaks," Darcy said.

"And then you die, yes, I am familiar with the idiom. That, however, was not to be my punishment."

"Do you get time off for good behavior?"

Now Loki looked like he was tempted to roll his eyes. "It could be misconstrued as a trick to gain an earlier release and unleash havoc."

AHA! Seizing the carpe diem and all, "Speaking of which, I just need to ask your opinion on how to explain fiction to your countrymen."

Loki chuckled at her dire straits. 

"It would be a gesture, Loki," Sif said, finally speaking.

_Finally, starting to think she'd gone mute or something. There were times when Thor certainly seemed to have a mute button,_ Darcy thought.

"You would speak of gestures, Lady Sif?" Loki asked. "I would much enjoy one. Sshall we?"

Darcy looked at Sif, who wasn't blushing or anything, except maybe on the tips of her ears, but there was that stiffening again. _Holy crap on a cracker._ Darcy asked her, "I was right, wasn't I? I was right!" just this shy of doing a happy dance. "The books got the name wrong, but -" and shut up when she saw the look on Sif's face. _Seen what Thor can pound down even without that hammer of his, and got no desire to find out where Sif ranks in the 'its clobbering time' pantheon._ "I can keep a secret. Ask Jane. I won't tell - nobody talks to me anyway."

Amused, Loki said, "Very well. In your own religion, what is the purpose of parables - begin there."

"Not my religion. Jane's. Though she might be considering converting to, you know..."

"Thor worship," Sif and Loki both said.

"It wouldn't be the first time for him," Loki said to Darcy.

"What about the whole law shows' spiel of 'the names and faces have been changed to protect the innocent'?" Darcy asked.

"You cannot think what the first question would be the moment you say that to your audience?" Loki asked her. "If justice is achieved, should not the triumph of the innocents be known widely? If there is no justice, then should not the innocents be known to spur others to seek justice or retaliation on their behalf?"

"The past is another country," Darcy muttered, quoting.

"And Asgard is yet another," Loki said.

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

The five minutes after that, Darcy figured, were more idle chatter and shits and giggles, than anything useful she needed. So she and Sif walked off, back into the river...

Five minutes after that..."I don't remember you wading this much on our way to see Loki," Darcy muttered. "How much further?"

"Not until we reach the shore," Sif said.

"Shouldn't we be there already?"

"That isn't how this works."

_Seriously? Fucking Xeno's Paradox. The river widens on every sap who leaves that island? Is it reading our past somehow? How does it know - oh come on, I paid those parking tickets. And Jane's too._ "When do we get there?" Darcy asked.

"When we get there."

Darcy started thinking dark thoughts about where Sif could stick her Kardashev Scale. But then she had a better idea: "So you and Loki used to..." Darcy asked, trying to be quiet and subtle about it. _If I'm gonna keep a secret, be nice to know the real story._

"There was a time, yes," Sif said.

"So when you reacted the way you did, was that you trying not to throttle him or trying not to jump his bones?"

Sif looked at Darcy, at once alarmed and confused.

"O-kay, you clearly had no idea what I just said, but you still answered my question. My lips are sealed. Figuratively speaking, so no need for actual sealing."

"People would then ask for the reason your lips were stitched together," Sif said.

"Right. Exactly." Darcy waited a while longer before asking, "Does this have to do with those apples?"

"Yes, to Loki. No to the reason for my feud with Idunn. We were young, Loki and I. I had stolen an apple beforehand. We were in a forest. Loki made me smile by casting an illusion so he would appear to be a snake moving through the branches and beside me. We..." and trailed off, her voice in the memory.

"Oh? Oh!" Darcy said. "Question."

"What?" 

_Wow, all that emotional stuff gone, right back to the lady woman warrior who hitchhiked to my place to pick up Thor and fight the Destroyer._ "Anybody ever call you Eve?"

"No."

"Really? Can I?"

"Why?" Sif asked.

"Aand we're back to the books again."

"Fiction?

"Some say yes, some say no," Darcy said. _But when you know somebody biblically, Sif, you don't do it in half measures._

"Either a story is true, or it is not. Or is it like Loki's half-truths?" Sif asked.

"Some say its true, some say its not."

"Like the Battle of Skymir?" Sif asked.

"And for those of us who only just got here less than a week ago, that's...what?" Darcy asked.

"Asgard and Jotunheim both claimed a crushing victory over their foes."

"And the foes were...?"

"Jotunheim and Asgard."

That explains the tone some people use when they get asked 'who won the American Revolution?' "Then yeah, I guess," Darcy said, and had a brilliant idea. "God, I'm brilliant. Just thought of a way that I can explain this, without anyone thinking its for real." 

"That would be ideal," Sif said. 

_Yay vote of confidence._

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

"Okay," Darcy says, clapping her hands and rubbing them together as she looks out as the crowd gathered...gathering...not showing any signs of ceasing the gathering. "I'm going to recite from a book that's from my world, called the  Prose Edda. This is what it says happened... Among the names of Odin are Odin, god of criminals, god of the hanged, god of - Yes, Odin?"

"Those are my names," Odin says mildly. " _Lord_ , not god, but some do not always make the distinction, I know."

"O-kay...same book, different chapter. From a city called Troy, there was a king who took a wife and their son was named Tor, whom we call Thor," and yadda yadda yadda, conquering lots of other countries, making a huge name for himself. "'In the northern part of the world he came upon the prophetess Sibyl, whom we call Sif, and he married her. No one knows Sif's ancestors.'"

"Yes we do!" Volstagg shouted. 

"Aheem," Darcy said. "The next line in the book is that their son was named Odin." And god and ye gods and whatnot, you could hear a pin drop. Everyone's staring at me. Okay, everyone but Sif, who looks like she wants to duck, cover, and pull the ground up over her - or rip me a new one, I'm not an expert on Asgardian facial tics. Okay, almost everyone is staring at me. Maybe I should have made a will before letting Jane volunteer me for this - I don't have a lot of stuff, but still.

I feel like I'm in one of those nature documentaries where nobody's moving, but as soon as the deer thinks running's a good idea, the pack tears it into sushi rolls. 


	3. The One Who Tricked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who is pulling one over on whom?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to apologize to my readers for the typos which have been in my stories - in particular the mighty Hammer named Mjolnir (which I always thought spelled Moljinar or something like that)...and the Vanir by the name of Njord (who I had thought was named Niorn and Njorn)

Darcy sighed at the sight of all the Asgardians who had assembled for the second fiction-telling she was supposed to be giving. _Suppose I should be grateful I'm not in prison or on a hitlist or a watchlist or something. Then again, where am I going to go?_

"You'll do fine," Jane called over to her from where Jane was in the middle of a snog session with Thor, and Darcy briefly entertained the possibility of telling a fictionalized version of part of Jane's life. Fear wasn't the only thing that stopped her - you know, fear of insulting the future bride of the heir appearant, which might be a death penalty offense up here.

"Okay," Darcy said, having a MUCH better idea... _it wasn't exactly a flyting (a friendly exchange of insults for a few pages or more), but I'm gonna get more and more outlandish until somebody calls me on the BS._ "Everybody here knows what a secret is, right? Right, course you do. Okay, well 'classified' means its a secret that you can get yelled at or punished if you tell it to somebody who isn't supposed to hear it."

"A secret with honor attached," Sif said.

"Eh, more like pretending it has honor attached. I mean, like what honor is there if you tell me that Slepnir's got a mole on his left leg."

"Which one?" hollered some mug in the audience.

Sif bristled at Darcy and said "I have not had to kill the moles in Slepnir's paddock since I was a cadet."

Darcy shook her head. "The other moles. Nevermind. Jane can explain it later," trying not to grin. "Okay, what I'm going to tell you all, it's something that was classified, and that's why I haven't been able to tell any of you before - and not even Jane knew about it."

"What?" Jane asked.

"Before I worked for Jane, I was involved in a project which was focused on the creation of pathways through space -- not Bifrosts, don't worry, guys -- but actual wormholes, and yeah, Jane can explain them really great. I worked with a SHIELD scientist by the name of Maria Hill.

"Now, I don't know if you know this," Darcy confided, "but wormholes don't always connect to the same point in time...so when we finally made a connection, the wormhole opened up and out came Odin - a younger!Odin." There were, predictably, assorted sounds of disbelief, but Frigga and Odin were completely silent and listening attentively - which made Darcy at once relieved, flattered, and nervous.

"He ate what we did, drank what we did, but oh! was young!Odin a mess, smashing a hell of a lot more than just a few mugs," Darcy said, and saw the look of mixed pride and shock on Thor's face. "But, what can ya do, he was a guest, and he wasn't being rude or killing anybody," and was more than a little alarmed at how many heads nodded agreement with that.

"And he fell in love - young!Odin did, I mean. With a good friend of mine, Maria Hill - yeah, the same one I mentioned not long ago."

Thor frowned, positive he knew the name from somewhere.

Seeing the look on Thor's face, Darcy thought _sure hope ol' Thor wasn't admiring her legs or ass or anything back when he'd met Maria - for one, Jane'll kill him. For two, by the time I'm done here, Thor will be panicking up the wazoo._ "And my buddy Maria liked him a lot too. They sang together, and he tried wooing her and praising her, complementing her on every feature she had and some she didn't," _ah, negative space._ Darcy figured nobody needed to hear about the heavy petting that had gone on. "And then, one day, young!Odin took Maria aside and asked her to run away with him, to come to Asgard and be his Queen."

Frigga was starting to smile.

Odin was carefully blank-faced.

"But Maria was clever. She told him, 'you will have sons one day. I rather like the sound of _Loki_ and _Thor_ , don't you?' and young!Odin said they were fine names. Then Maria said, 'And make sure one of them meets and falls in love with a human woman named Jane' to which he agreed as well." Seeing how much Thor's jaw kept dropping, Darcy had a bad idea of the answer to that question she'd asked herself earlier - 'what's the worst that could happen if tomorrow's fiction is Alien?' _Uhh..._ "A third request was 'And make the other son invade the Earth twice, and be captured and imprisoned so all may see justice in play.' And then Maria told young!Odin to meet her in that same spot later that evening - she had to get her things together if they were going to run off together, after all. Everybody has stuff!

"But when he came back at the agreed-upon time," Darcy said, "young!Odin could not find her anywhere. By the time he realized he had been stood up - that Maria wasn't going to be joining him, Odin tore out one eye and swore that he would never be tricked again, and he fixed the wormhole generator to work exactly once more...so he could trade in the eye for as much all-knowingness as he could get."

Odin chuckled.

Darcy clapped. "Aaaand that's it. Maria and I finished what of the project we could, and went our own ways. Lotsa fun, so much adventure, really, thanks."

Most of the comments as people left, were along the lines of 'fibs worse than Loki told' and 'the Allfather would never do that.' Darcy shrugged.

Odin stood there until everyone else had walked off. Until there was only he, Darcy, and Sif standing by Darcy - a security arrangement Thor had insisted upon after yesterday's story.

"A charming tale," Odin complimented her, and began to walk slowly, regally, towards his throne in Gladsheim. To get there, he had to walk past Darcy... And as he brushed past, he said, too quietly for any human or Asgardian ears, but for Darcy's own: "That is not _entirely_ how it went, and you know it," and then Odin was past, gone before Darcy or Sif knew what had happened.

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

It was bright and early the next morning - far far far too early in the dawn times of morning for Darcy's tastes - that Darcy was woken up by three voices. Opening her bleary eyes, she tried to lift her head as much as she could lift it from the side of the bed. "Yhellllo?" Darcy asked, recognizing Frigga, and thought the one on Frigga's left had been in the audience yesterday, and the third one rang utterly no bells.

"We would like you to be present when we award Maria Hill," Frigga said.

 _Yet more proof that it's never too early to start thinking 'oh crap oh crap oh crap'._ "Huh? Who're...?"

"I am Frigga, you know this," Frigga said. "This is my sister-under-yggdrasil Rind. And this is our sister-under-yggdrasil -"

"We would give this show of recognition and valor to Maria Hill for her ability to resist becoming our sister-under-yggdrasil," said the one of Odin's ex's who hadn't provided a name.

 _Oh god, I am_ so _dead. Even if the mental image of the three of them showing up suddenly on a SHIELD base or aircarrier is a good one._ "Um, about that." _Loki_ did _warn me, with that bit about names and protecting the innocent...talk about an object lesson in the difference between this stuff and the fibs that're practically sleight-of-hand compared to this._ "There's something you need to know..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes...the story of Billing's Daughter.

**Author's Note:**

> This started no more than 300 words, and wasn't supposed to be a few short lines at the table, one or two in the opening epilogue, and the rest in the orchard...then my muses really got going.


End file.
